the host/age/ situation part one

at what point does the host become the hostage? i have been thinking about what Ari ( Aristotle and Dante discover the secrets of the universe by Benjamin Saenz) meant when he said that some words lived in him even though he did not wish that to be so. thinking about Ari and playing host […]

the big bang

December more often than not finds me teetering on the edge of sanity. and this year is certainly no exception. i have to say that this pattern of dullness of mood and bleakness of hope never gets old even though i have been here year after year. the hapless melancholy still guts me, and the […]

labyrinth

a line from a poem i once read. “i am touched…i am”. a way to say, i am touched therefore i am. touch as a way to make my existence as a person more concrete. touch. connection. (not only in the physical sense) as a means of reinforcing my existence and visibility. can you touch […]

if you cried…

a friend mentioned that there is not as much pain in my recent posts compared to the very first ones. i didn’t know what to make of that, i still don’t. he wanted to know if it is because i am no longer in pain, or whether it has significantly reduced to a point that […]

something true

Trigger warning Richard Siken in an interview said, “there has to be a place where we can say something true.” i hold back from saying you need to read my blog posts. please read them. because that is the only place i can really tell you what is going on. what i mean is this: […]

uh…

tw : suicide and self harm mention I always write in the thick of things. whatever emotions i am feeling at the moment. i think it has something to do with the somewhat philosophical question C.S.Lewis poses in one of his books (i do not remember which one exactly). it is not a question really […]

Messy confessions

I want to tell you this story without having to confess anything.I want to tell you this story without having to be in it. – Richard Siken, the torn-up road this must be the third draft of this post. maybe three is a charm after all. it is august. my birthday month. i have a […]

where are you going to go?

is it true that it is impossible to lie to oneself?switchfoot in their song dare you to move sing,“Where can you run to escape from yourself? Where you gonna go? Where you gonna go?”i don’t know. where does one run to anyway. when all is said and done, in the dead of the night, it […]

so what if the world is ending

for the longest time ever, i have thought of the world ending. i suppose the world started ending for me since my childhood. now, more than a decade later, i see that the world is actually ending in a way and it is not pretty. it is terrifying.i was not aware how much i believed […]

Love and Weights

Ari says that love has always been something heavy for him to carry. i could not agree more. i feel the same. like love can be a heavy thing for me to bear. as a poet once said, love and grief are both nonnegotiable. if they arrive, you have to acknowledge them unless you are […]