I am going mute (I think)

I’m often afraid of these holidays. Rightfully so. They require energy I do not possess. Merriness I cannot wield. Socializing that is too much for me. So many times during these holidays I hit new lows. New ones because I tell myself every year this is the lowest I can go. But I am often […]

Staying awake in the Awake

I read a lot of suicide stories. I read a lot of suicide notes. Suicide poems. I suppose one would think me morbid but I definitely do not think that of myself. I know I could leave all this behind. I know that with certainty. Maybe I should have this disclaimer that says if you […]

Or maybe I’m just a dreamer

Recently I got to know that one of my former classmates in high school dropped out of university to start a business. Something to do with something organic. I also know of some people who changed their courses to something they like better. For some it does get better and for others I think it […]

Great genius, great madness

With great genius comes great madness. Someone should have told me this when I was born. It seems to me that one cannot have a mind with great brilliance without insanity. This leads to a life marked with such deep melancholy, enough to drive one to psychosis or helplessness or suicide. I know that John […]

One need not be a chamber to be haunted…

A quote by Emily Dickinson. I am haunted am i not? What haunts me. Or is it who haunts me. I am completely broken down at the moment. The very last drop in the ocean floor where no one reaches. Too dark to see. There’s barely enough oxygen for a stranger to breathe. Yet I […]

Why am i someone else’s someone?

I find that this life i live is not fully mine. It is as if i actually belong to someone else. This makes me wonder then, if this someone did not exist, does that mean i would not exist too? What if i happen to remove myself from this someone, will i exist? Aza ( […]

Slowly and then suddenly…

I can’t stay sane for you anymore. I can’t stay sane for anyone anymore. In Turtles all the way down, a book by John Green, Aza tells her mother that she cannot be sane for her anymore. I understand her. For the longest time, I have been sane for others. First it was my education, […]

The meaninglessness of meaning less

There is no specific starting point for this post. Just as much as there is no specific starting point for my depression. The anxiety has some explanation and so do some of the symptoms of PTSD. But the depression, the sucking whirlpool? There is no specific explanation. My first therapist said her aim was to […]

Living in a glasshouse (Part Two)

Hi. This is living in a glasshouse part two. It’s been hard for me these past days. One, I just couldn’t find the right words or the flow to write this post. I even went ahead to write another post altogether which I will put up later on. Then I was able to write today. […]

Living in a glasshouse (Part One)

I think it’s important I say this. Everything I write here is real. It’s not fiction. A friend of mine asked if this is fiction. And I thought maybe others think this is fiction. Sorry (or not) to disappoint you. All that is written here is all real. This is part one of talking about […]