The wounded man

Quentin from Paper Towns (John Green) came to the profound revelation that “the only wounded man i can be is me”. i think that we are fundamentally alone in the things that hurt us most. the ones that tear us apart. Theodore Finch from All the Bright Places (Jeniffer Niven) came to the same conclusion […]

how much does God care?

it feels like ages since i wrote. it has been a rollercoaster, this month that is about to end. time is a social construct that only mankind abides by. and it makes us so desperate to live and in the end we really do not even live. just exist. i digress. i have so much […]

Quicksand

I wish this post was on how to survive quicksand, something Theodore Finch from All the bright places would talk about. I mean, he already gave us a list and it pretty much works. This is not about surviving quicksand though. I know a bit of the survival but not enough to write on. What […]

I am not like mustard

Daisy tells Aza that their mutual friend, Mychal, thought of Aza as mustard. To mean that because of Aza’s mental illness, she was like mustard : great in small quantities but then a lot of her is… a lot. This is one of the conversations I keep reading over and over again.This is not the […]

I don’t want to be the better person…

I want to be a good person. Especially to myself first. Then to others. I read somewhere that self love is not about “only me” but it’s about “me too.” And that’s how I want it to be. For all the grace, love and mercy I extend to people, I want to extend to myself […]

Lack of imagination

If 2020 was the year when things just went crazy, I am honestly fucking scared for myself this year than I was last year. Sorry for the strong language. It’s just that sometimes you need to let go of very strong emotions and I know a lot about having strong emotions. You know it’s like […]

I am going mute (I think)

I’m often afraid of these holidays. Rightfully so. They require energy I do not possess. Merriness I cannot wield. Socializing that is too much for me. So many times during these holidays I hit new lows. New ones because I tell myself every year this is the lowest I can go. But I am often […]

Staying awake in the Awake

I read a lot of suicide stories. I read a lot of suicide notes. Suicide poems. I suppose one would think me morbid but I definitely do not think that of myself. I know I could leave all this behind. I know that with certainty. Maybe I should have this disclaimer that says if you […]

Or maybe I’m just a dreamer

Recently I got to know that one of my former classmates in high school dropped out of university to start a business. Something to do with something organic. I also know of some people who changed their courses to something they like better. For some it does get better and for others I think it […]

Great genius, great madness

With great genius comes great madness. Someone should have told me this when I was born. It seems to me that one cannot have a mind with great brilliance without insanity. This leads to a life marked with such deep melancholy, enough to drive one to psychosis or helplessness or suicide. I know that John […]