broken
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The Hostage Situation (Part Two)
i want to try and write about some things that haunt me. of course it is going to be bloody. it has to be.dante tells ari i am trying not be ashamed ari. and i keep going back to that statement. i am trying not to be ashamed. but my god. the shame is crippling.… Continue reading
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the host/age/ situation part one
at what point does the host become the hostage? i have been thinking about what Ari ( Aristotle and Dante discover the secrets of the universe by Benjamin Saenz) meant when he said that some words lived in him even though he did not wish that to be so. thinking about Ari and playing host… Continue reading
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the big bang
December more often than not finds me teetering on the edge of sanity. and this year is certainly no exception. i have to say that this pattern of dullness of mood and bleakness of hope never gets old even though i have been here year after year. the hapless melancholy still guts me, and the… Continue reading
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The wounded man
Quentin from Paper Towns (John Green) came to the profound revelation that “the only wounded man i can be is me”. i think that we are fundamentally alone in the things that hurt us most. the ones that tear us apart. Theodore Finch from All the Bright Places (Jeniffer Niven) came to the same conclusion… Continue reading
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how much does God care?
it feels like ages since i wrote. it has been a rollercoaster, this month that is about to end. time is a social construct that only mankind abides by. and it makes us so desperate to live and in the end we really do not even live. just exist. i digress. i have so much… Continue reading
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I don’t want to be the better person…
I want to be a good person. Especially to myself first. Then to others. I read somewhere that self love is not about “only me” but it’s about “me too.” And that’s how I want it to be. For all the grace, love and mercy I extend to people, I want to extend to myself… Continue reading
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I am going mute (I think)
I’m often afraid of these holidays. Rightfully so. They require energy I do not possess. Merriness I cannot wield. Socializing that is too much for me. So many times during these holidays I hit new lows. New ones because I tell myself every year this is the lowest I can go. But I am often… Continue reading
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Staying awake in the Awake
I read a lot of suicide stories. I read a lot of suicide notes. Suicide poems. I suppose one would think me morbid but I definitely do not think that of myself. I know I could leave all this behind. I know that with certainty. Maybe I should have this disclaimer that says if you… Continue reading
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One need not be a chamber to be haunted…
A quote by Emily Dickinson. I am haunted am i not? What haunts me. Or is it who haunts me. I am completely broken down at the moment. The very last drop in the ocean floor where no one reaches. Too dark to see. There’s barely enough oxygen for a stranger to breathe. Yet I… Continue reading
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Why am i someone else’s someone?
I find that this life i live is not fully mine. It is as if i actually belong to someone else. This makes me wonder then, if this someone did not exist, does that mean i would not exist too? What if i happen to remove myself from this someone, will i exist? Aza (… Continue reading
About ME
A stripped-down narration of living with a mental illness.
I don’t want or need a silver lining. I want a witness who will not flinch
TotallyUnhinged 