mental health
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The Real Horror (Part 1)
I am finding it excruciatingly difficult to write about my lived experience with mental illnesses. this is my latest attempt at doing so, and i feel like it is still not enough, or well put. on the other side, i am slowly beginning to find my way back into my creative writing. which means i… Continue reading
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The Refrain : I’d rather be quiet
starting this blog came from a place of not having safe spaces that could accommodate the brutal truths of living with a mental illness. everywhere i looked at that time were places pushing narratives surrounding gratitude while excluding any negative feelings or emotions, the toxic positive psychology kind of thing. it was almost impossible to… Continue reading
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Miracles and Fires
this post is a collection of disjointed thoughts written over a period of time. different days. different times. different places. while i am hoping for some sense of cohesion, it might be sorely lacking. one of the most hurtful experiences of living with a debilitating (and invisible) mental illness is that you feel like you… Continue reading
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The proof of pain
The unspecified wrongness. there is this lack of clear-cut clarity about what my actual ailment is or why it is how it is that keeps me wishing for another’s full immersion in my life. I know that it is not possible. you really cannot be another person. we are determined by our own micro lives,… Continue reading
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The Duality Of Madness
Every day i wake up i feel too aware. of everything. every emotion. which is a distinct move from last year when i was comatose. constant numbness. a feeling of the greatest apathy. nothing was big enough to move me. not the good. not the bad. nothing. it was all flatline. which is an interesting… Continue reading
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You almost believe…
I have ultimately run into one of the most devastating symptoms of mental illness. anhedonia. simply defined as the inability to experience pleasure in previously pleasurable activities. to be honest, however, i think it has been stalking me for a while and it is now that i am really beginning to notice its trail of… Continue reading
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the big bang
December more often than not finds me teetering on the edge of sanity. and this year is certainly no exception. i have to say that this pattern of dullness of mood and bleakness of hope never gets old even though i have been here year after year. the hapless melancholy still guts me, and the… Continue reading
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if you cried…
a friend mentioned that there is not as much pain in my recent posts compared to the very first ones. i didn’t know what to make of that, i still don’t. he wanted to know if it is because i am no longer in pain, or whether it has significantly reduced to a point that… Continue reading
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something true
Trigger warning Richard Siken in an interview said, “there has to be a place where we can say something true.” i hold back from saying you need to read my blog posts. please read them. because that is the only place i can really tell you what is going on. what i mean is this:… Continue reading
About ME
A stripped-down narration of living with a mental illness.
I don’t want or need a silver lining. I want a witness who will not flinch