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The Real Horror (Part 1)
I am finding it excruciatingly difficult to write about my lived experience with mental illnesses. this is my latest attempt at doing so, and i feel like it is still not enough, or well put. on the other side, i am slowly beginning to find my way back into my creative writing. which means i… Continue reading
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The Refrain : I’d rather be quiet
starting this blog came from a place of not having safe spaces that could accommodate the brutal truths of living with a mental illness. everywhere i looked at that time were places pushing narratives surrounding gratitude while excluding any negative feelings or emotions, the toxic positive psychology kind of thing. it was almost impossible to… Continue reading
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Miracles and Fires
this post is a collection of disjointed thoughts written over a period of time. different days. different times. different places. while i am hoping for some sense of cohesion, it might be sorely lacking. one of the most hurtful experiences of living with a debilitating (and invisible) mental illness is that you feel like you… Continue reading
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The proof of pain
The unspecified wrongness. there is this lack of clear-cut clarity about what my actual ailment is or why it is how it is that keeps me wishing for another’s full immersion in my life. I know that it is not possible. you really cannot be another person. we are determined by our own micro lives,… Continue reading
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The Duality Of Madness
Every day i wake up i feel too aware. of everything. every emotion. which is a distinct move from last year when i was comatose. constant numbness. a feeling of the greatest apathy. nothing was big enough to move me. not the good. not the bad. nothing. it was all flatline. which is an interesting… Continue reading
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You almost believe…
I have ultimately run into one of the most devastating symptoms of mental illness. anhedonia. simply defined as the inability to experience pleasure in previously pleasurable activities. to be honest, however, i think it has been stalking me for a while and it is now that i am really beginning to notice its trail of… Continue reading
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the hostage part three
“… I wonder if I will ever find a language to speak of the things that haunt me the most.” – Bao Phi, Vocabulary. sometimes language is a good weapon. in the sense that it can be the light to chase away the ghosts that haunt us. however, i wonder what happens when we do… Continue reading
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The Hostage Situation (Part Two)
i want to try and write about some things that haunt me. of course it is going to be bloody. it has to be.dante tells ari i am trying not be ashamed ari. and i keep going back to that statement. i am trying not to be ashamed. but my god. the shame is crippling.… Continue reading
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the host/age/ situation part one
at what point does the host become the hostage? i have been thinking about what Ari ( Aristotle and Dante discover the secrets of the universe by Benjamin Saenz) meant when he said that some words lived in him even though he did not wish that to be so. thinking about Ari and playing host… Continue reading
About ME
A stripped-down narration of living with a mental illness.
I don’t want or need a silver lining. I want a witness who will not flinch